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Five Rings, Two Blades [Story/Fanfic]
Forum » Clan Business » General Discussion
IxaoEclipse 22nd Apr 2015

Joined: 5th Oct 2014
Rank: Sage/Hammerhead
Posts: 78
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So for about six months now, I've been having this story about a samurai Tenno that I've been wanting to make (I have three of his four abilities fleshed out. Still trying to think of a good one to fill the last slot), and a few weeks ago Clan Chat encouraged me to write it down. Well, I finally finished writing it, and I've decided to put it up here before I put it up on the forums, kind of like a test group. So, without further ado, here it is: http://tinyurl.com/mpv6dt ... g . Any feedback and critiquing is appreciated.

Also keep in mind that a lot of the "facts" and setting ideas are things I came up with that I felt fit in the universe, since we have very little in the form of lore. So take those parts with some benefit of doubt. And I'd also like to thank Buzkyl/cozzi for checking over it. Really helped me fix the kinks in it.

EDIT: Finalized his design, and posted it on the forums here: https://forums.warframe.c ... amurai-tenno-hagane/


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Last Edit: 24th Apr 2015 by IxaoEclipse
MoonMoon 23rd Apr 2015

Joined: 10th Feb 2015
Rank: General/Great White
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To be honest, i actually quite enjoyed that. So far he doesn't feel too strong and doesn't have females swarming over him, that's a good sign for fanfiction. If that's your first story, then you have some talent kid, kudos to you. 

Wall of text for the IxaoEclipse:
If you're looking for feedback, be careful not to make him too strong too early, many fledgling writers make this mistake with their stories. Everyone likes reading about a badass hero destroying his enemies, but it gets boring fast, you run out of things to write about if your tenno wins vs everything and it gets cringey for the reader if not done right.

One of the better stories of this kind i read split the entire novel in two parts, the past and present of our hero. The writer alternated between a novice swordsman, still a child and a true master of his craft, beating all odds with either his blade or wise mind. If i remember correctly, the tale was divided like that because the author had problems with pacing herself and that's something i saw in your story too.

In 10 pages we jumped from a normal human to a being equal to the rest of the Tenno, and in this universe, they are truly monsters (taking on entire ships with only a blade?). There's so many interesting things to write about his training and his transformation into tenno feels really rushed. Suul's training took years according to the story, but it doesn't feel like that happened at all.

This prologue is an interesting sneak peak into how this story will develop, but you could turn it into so much more. Shorten Suul's time with Hydroid to let's say a few months, dedicate a chapter or two to his stay there and make readers caught up in the story. Character development is very important in making someone feel involved and unless there's some way to indicate the pass of time, no one won't notice it ("Years had gone by." is really not enough).

Right now, Suul has everything taken away from him, his whole world crumbles in front of his eyes and the only thing to emphasize that is 2-3 lines of text. A whole chapter focused on their escape from Mars and filled with the duo's conversations would be so much better.

Another important thing is how they met. While merging with the boy is interesting, it makes no sense. Why would hydroid do something so dangerous and uncertain instead of changing into water and flowing with the stream? Or finding a small cavity in the ground and preserving himself there? No search party would suspect a puddle of water near a river (if they knew of his abilities and found a river i doubt they would continue chase).

Rambling continues, you should find yourself a beta-reader or two. For example the moment when Suul steps out of the elevator, it took me some time to understand that there are actually 4 people in the room (two grineer stood as guards and he starts describing two men, that part was really confusing to me, maybe i'm just a derp).

Tenno Hagane presenting himself to all others was a nice idea, but it should be timed better. Lotus notices Loki talking to Hydroid and immediately introduces him? Again, i think you should give such important events more backstory. You could describe that Tenno are whispering about noticing something weird on Grineer missions or maybe one squad actually saw him (he noticed them, bowed and disappeared?).

To sum all this up, it feels like you really want to write about Suul's later chapters ASAP and are omitting important parts of his development as a result (taking his grand revenge in the prologue?). It would only serve the story well if you described his tale without any details in the beginning, it would fit very nicely into the whole "formal introduction" to the other tenno.

All things said and considered, these are only advice I gathered from working with other aspiring writers starting on fanfiction.com and so on. How you lead the story is all up to you, finding your style is most important after all.

TL;DR Writing a good story is actually really hard, lol.


IxaoEclipse 23rd Apr 2015

Joined: 5th Oct 2014
Rank: Sage/Hammerhead
Posts: 78
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Yeah, I see what you mean about it moving pretty quickly. This was intended as a one-off though. If it hadn't, I probably would have gone more in depth with his transition from human to Tenno (and these are Tenno we're talking about-by nature, they're overpowered. I can't really change that). Also, the thing about most of my ideas for stories is that they come to me in the form of visual stories, almost like short films, which is partly why it was told as a series of brief glimpses into the past-it's just how I saw it.


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Last Edit: 23rd Apr 2015 by IxaoEclipse
MoonMoon 23rd Apr 2015

Joined: 10th Feb 2015
Rank: General/Great White
Posts: 496
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If it was intended as a one-shot about making new Tenno, it was not bad. Tbh i saw a lot of stories that were warmly received go from one-shot to something bigger. Also, making character's past appear in "brief glimpses" as you said it is definitely a good idea. As long as it's not one big glimpse, lol.

About Tenno being OP, i like to think of nightmare mode or t4 enemy buff as real world. You can't really stand and facetank lvl.30 grineer with 3x dmg and that could transition to your story:
Grineer commander with a pistol? Deflect his bullets with a sword, no prob.
A group of 3 lancers shooting straight at you down the corridor? Have fun deflecting 60 bullets per second.


Last Edit: 23rd Apr 2015 by MoonMoon
IxaoEclipse 23rd Apr 2015

Joined: 5th Oct 2014
Rank: Sage/Hammerhead
Posts: 78
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I avoided large fight scenes since I felt that it would get too complicated when written down, which is why I made the final scene a one on one battle, leaving his attacks against the Grineer to be left up to the reader's imagination. I do like the idea though that Nightmare Mode is what the Tenno actually do-kind of like how some games have a "Realism Difficulty" that drastically increases the game's difficulty and limits the players' survivability.


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IxaoEclipse 27th May 2015

Joined: 5th Oct 2014
Rank: Sage/Hammerhead
Posts: 78
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Bumped since some people in clan chat wanted to see the concept and I cant really give them the link there


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IxaoEclipse 16th Jul 2015

Joined: 5th Oct 2014
Rank: Sage/Hammerhead
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So out of curiosity, would anyone be interested if I wrote more in this version of the WF universe, with more theoretical stuff than normal? Wouldn't mind writing more, just would like to know if people would read it.

Also, updated the main forums post linked at the end of the main post here with concept art someone made. If you want to take a look at it, or never got the chance to read Hagane's proposed stats and abilities, now's the time! :-P


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SSI_Protocol 16th Jul 2015

Joined: 9th Dec 2014
Rank: Leader/Bull shark
Posts: 268
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I would definitely be interested! Your work is amazing! Please I beg!


"The King always has one last move!" -Jentezen Franklin

IxaoEclipse 16th Jul 2015

Joined: 5th Oct 2014
Rank: Sage/Hammerhead
Posts: 78
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The Warframe is based around A Book of Five Rings, which is a manuscriptish thing written by the samurai Miyamoto Musashi, and was kind of a "Here's how I fight and think while fighting, and how I use strategy in and out of combat." So while it isn't based directly off of samurai, it is based off of a samurai-influenced thing.


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Kaitlyn ( Sena ) 16th Jul 2015

Joined: 13th May 2015
Rank: Sage/Hammerhead
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I'm in love with armor designs, and all that. And that is just perfect. Did you make the art yourself? or did you have some help? Just some random curiousity lingering in my mind about that.


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"You can't spell Sena without the word "grass", it's just not possible." -Sena

IxaoEclipse 16th Jul 2015

Joined: 5th Oct 2014
Rank: Sage/Hammerhead
Posts: 78
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Someone on the forums volunteered to create the concept artwork. Credited him above the art.


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