my story just incase you've got time to blow
What am I?
Maybe the reason i don’t care about myself, is because I’m not myself.
Things which i use to cherish, like friendship, education, wearing a suit and all the little things... all were once me.
Call it coming of age... call it manic depression... call it normal... whatever it is... it’s not me....
Here’s some background.
My names Leon. If i were to describe myself in as few words possible I’d say;
- a magician
and why would i use these words?
2. I don’t put on a show. I am what i am if you don’t like it... well... screw you?
however if you do...
3. This is probably the best of my 3 characteristics. And i don’t mean magic in the sense that i pull rabbits out of hats or anything but i can turn bad things into gold. You’re probably thinking... why am i read this shit or did he go down on someone, smoke 15 kilos of weed and then write this?
Well i may of... ^-^ but no what i mean i make the best out of a terrible situation.
So. That’s my starting point and this is my story.
Ever since a young age I’ve always noticed that my dad was really stubborn in terms of what’s allowed and what’s not. The general consensus being, it’s his way or no way at all.
And so for a good bit of a year now, I’ve had a massive battle with him to try to enrol into a bachelor of secondary education or what he wants which is property. Arguments would be heated and intense but mum would stand by me and tell me follow my dreams
Then one day she jumped sides and said do property... from that day onwards i like died inside... little by little until i am what i am today.
Fast forward to today’s date
I’ve talked to at least 5 different people and a psychiatrist who all said different things but the general consensus was i had something wrong with me...
Depression... manic depression... bipolar... perfectionism.... coming of age... split personality.... mix of everything...
Recently my dad had a crack at me, I’ve long stopped given a shit about whatever he says but I’m not arrogant so i took whatever advice was useful
After din my mum sat with me and we chat as we always do.... we talked about everything from my inability to control my anger at home to my "decision" in being basically emotionally blackmailed into doing property which is the way i see it.
At this point, tears would leak through this like emotional mask i had put on just to meet my dad’s expectations.
My mum abandoned me i felt so alone... so utterly alone... but she would keep saying "it’s your decision you make the final call... we told you could be a teacher you even got an offer from the top university in the country/state to go there but you said it was too late and all the good times were taking... it’s never too late Leon... you still have a choice..."
I thought to myself, "we? It’s just dad! He’s forcing me to do this! He emotionally brain washed me! Uni sucks, all the subjects suck, its soo boring!"
"Then what are you going to do if you don’t go to uni then?" My mum replies
"It’s not uni or work it’s what dad says is acceptable degree or get disowned" i shouted back unable to contain my anger
At this point i was bawling my eyes out and just uncontrollably shaking from anger. So here i am. An 18 year giant of a person, bawling his eyes out and shaking like something with rabies
And she says you can transfer you know. Don’t let people discourage you. If you really want something you’ll do everything to get it...
And i was even more so angry because i was expected to get a Atar (rank in the country to allow me into uni) of 85 at the most.... teaching cut off was 83 or so, like my mum said if i want it ill go all out to get it. Come the selection day... well yeah...
So i was furious. But then it had hit me. I wasn’t me... i lost myself when i picked property....
I work 2 jobs. 1 at a restaurant which gets me by and 1 at a real estate joint my dad got me into. Prior to the real estate job I’ve been doing work experience very Saturday 9-3/5ish for 6 months I recently submitted my letter of resignation to talk up a second day at the real estate office... which i think is my final nail in my coffin... I’ve got 2 weeks left at the job and then I’m a property officer.... Anyway. So i thought to myself. I’ve got a split personality but it’s not logic and reason... it’s me and my dad’s expectations of me.... and the conflict is between me struggling to fend of the expectation me and the good part of a year the expectations have won over me by a long run.... So the question still stands… what am i?..... I’m Leon and I’m free.
I wrote that story on a train... using my time to be productive instead of perving on cute girls...
So, now everyones upto date... lets continue?
After talking to our clan shrink (psychologist) and a writer of Warframe fan fiction (Shout out to jenna3
) and someone who's purely here to lurk the clans and to chat with me (0) I've come to this final conclusion...
Follow your heart... I've now applied to do B. of Law w/ B. Of Business. and so after doing so I feel renewed... and no im not pulling a shia la beouf and saying...
by that i mean... just live life... get out there... do what you want and want what you do...
In saying that, i will be taking an indefinite leave from this game and the community as a whole.
if you wish to get into contact with me:
Steam chat: Legendscreeds
not so fast.
Ingame: when im on to collect my stuff...